Life is hard when perfection is the goal and I’ll admit, I made life harder than it needed to be.
Before I ever needed to consider what major I should pursue, I considered, weighed, explored, examined, and vigorously thought about what steps I would need to take in order to have the future I hoped for myself. The way I saw it, my future was now. Tomorrow’s worries were blended in with today’s.
Towards the end of high school, I spent hours asking God to lead me to the major He wanted me to be in. Nights where I should have spent sleeping or cramming for a rest the day, I spent journaling or staring at the wall.
Thoughts, fears, and worries flooded my mind. All I wanted to know was the future God had for me. That’s it. I just wanted to know, without a doubt, that God was leading me to pursue a particular major that would then lead me to live a life filled with passion, love, courage, and depth.
There was no way I was going to walk into college blind; unsure of where God was leading me. No, I, a child of God, would fully know and be sure of the direction that God was leading me in. It just couldn’t be any other way.
But, wait. That didn’t happen.
I came into college as a timid freshman, still fixated and uncertain about what to major in and what to pursue. The time came, however, for me to make up my mind. I was forced to make a decision without knowing that it would not ruin my life forever.
You see, that’s what I was worried about. I was worried that if I didn’t directly hear from God and know where He was leading me, I would make the wrong decision and in turn, destroy the chances of having the good and perfect plan He has for me. Oh, how I was so utterly wrong. He is good despite my failures, weaknesses, and concerns.
Over the course of my three years at Vanguard, I, the timid freshman who was obsessed with making the right decision and not messing up, has “messed up” three times. Yet, those “mess ups” were avenues God used to shape my heart and mold me into the person He has called me to be. He taught me the value of trusting Him in the midst of the storm.
Because, as I try and as much as I think, I can never know. I can never be sure that the decision I make is the right one, or that it won’t lead to utter happiness and perfection. But, isn’t that the joy of following Christ? Not to know, but to trust. Not to seek perfection, but to be found in His perfection.